


Wishing You Were Here

by saucyminx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-25
Updated: 2009-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:27:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sam leaves for college, Dean has to take some time to figure out who he has and what it all means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"Hi, it's me. It's Sam." He held the postcard up higher, studying the postmark. "Got your postcard. Thanks." He sighed and flipped the post card onto the coffee table. "Anyway, take care." Sam pushed the button to disconnect the call and pressed the phone to his lips.

-=-=-=-=-

The edges of the postcard were getting a bit worn, bent, Sam had been flipping it around in his hand. He snatched his cell phone off the night stand and hit the contacts button so he could dial Dean’s number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

Sam sighed. "So - did you send me that postcard so you could ignore me when I called?" He tried a small laugh to soften his words. He missed his brother in some stupid way even after the way he left home. "Anyway, I'm still here. Still have the same number. Okay." Sam fumbled with the phone and then put it up to his hear again quickly. "Bye." He pushed the end button.

-=-=-=-=-

He had never completely understood Dean. It was nothing new to Sam to feel that he was missing some _big_ thing that would make Dean's behavior make sense. Still, it wasn't like Dean to just stop talking to him or throw up road blocks, or leave their Dad high and dry for that matter. Sam was pretty certain he was going to wear the finish off his phone, flipping it around in his hand. Every time it ran he dove for the phone and answered it and it was always someone else and his heart sank. Yeah. It was truly lame.

And yet, Sam picked up his phone again and hit Dean's number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"Dean." Sam cleared his throat, "school's going okay. I'm taking lots of introductory classes, legal terminology that kind of thing. Sometimes, I think I made the wrong decision - you know - coming here. Leaving you guys ... you." He dropped down on to the end of his bed. "I miss hangin' with you. Man, the guys in my dorm are kind of naive. Like, they're never seen the stuff that we've seen. It changes you... ya know?" He scratched his thigh. "Okay, so - take care. Dean? Please call?"

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

Sam listens to his brother's message and waits a few moments. "You know, it's not my fault you worried about me. I'm not stupid. I could have taken care of myself all those years without you going out of your way to interfere." Sam sighed, "with my life I mean." He flopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. " _Fuck_ , I hate leaving messages. Dean..." Sam squeezed his eyes shut, "I'm sorry for ... yeah... okay. Call me."

-=-=-=-=-

As he slammed his beer bottle down on the night stand Sam rubbed his eyes and stabbed a few times at the phone trying to get the right button. _Dean_. All _damn_ night while everyone had been having a good time hanging out, watching the game, Sam had been thinking about his brother. It was stupid and he was tired of worrying about Dean when Dean didn't seem to be putting too much effort into trying to see if things were okay. Or something. "Shit," Sam muttered and stabbed at the phone some more relieved when the screen finally showed _Dialing Dean_.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"Wow!" Sam tried to speak normally, "what a _fuckin'_ surprise, I got your voice mail. Lemme guess, you're still thinking about something that you won't tell me about for some dumb Dean reason." He hiccupped and slid further down on the bed getting comfy on his pillow. "You know it's not fair right? I should be pissed at you 'cause you didn't have my back when I needed you - you.... you kinda hung me out to dry with Dad, I mean." Sam coughed and pulled the phone away from his mouth for a few moments. "Okay, so I'm drunk ... but you should call me 'cause I fuckin' miss you Dude. I'm not gonna call again. In case I'm just pissin' you off - and it makes me feel pretty crappy. So yeah, hope you're okay. I... okay. Bye." Sam stabbed at his phone again and tossed it on the bed beside him. "Asshole," he mumbled as he rolled over into the pillow.

-=-=-=-=-

It was late. Not middle of the night late but closer to midnight than not. But Dean knew there was a time difference so he hoped Sam would be up. It would be fitting for him to leave a voicemail though. As it so happened, Sam answered, sounding a little worse for wear, voice gruff as if he were exhausted. There were lots of ways for Dean to start. He chose to go with the first thing to come to his mind, "I like the way the sun looks setting over the mountains more than the way it looks setting over the ocean."

"Uh, hello..." Sam brought the phone away from his ear to look at the screen. _Dean_. He rubbed his eyes and put the phone back to his ear. "Dean? You drunk? I'm sleeping. I was sleeping, I mean. You okay?" Sam picked up the text book that was on his chest and knocked it onto the floor. "Fell asleep reading real estate law."

Dean chuckled softly and shifted the phone on his ear, "I don't blame you. I probably would have too." Dean sighed softly and cleared his throat, "I've been a shit brother. I'm sorry. You deserve better."

"You're not a shit brother." Sam rubbed at his eye and tried to sit up, "I ... miss you. Where are you?"

"I am..." Dean looked around the motel room and blew out a low breath. "in a motel in the middle of Wyoming. Just finished up a hunt. God there's nothing here. It’s oddly... humbling. To see how little these people have and how happy they can still be. Sometimes I think I've spent my whole life secretly being bitter that we didn't have more."

"Wait," Sam's eyes opened in the dark room, "you weren't happy? I mean, you love hunting." He was silent a few moments, listening to Dean breathe; the sound he fell asleep to for so many nights. "I ... I was happy. No, I wasn't I'm lying. I was happy around you." Sam sighed and smacked his hand silently to his forehead. He really had to work on that whole brain/mouth filter. "So - what now? You just gonna drive around sightseeing for a while?"

"Sam... I was happy with you too," Dean said softly and rolled onto his stomach, turning his head on the pillow and letting his phone lay against his ear. "I've been driving around for awhile. This hunt sort of fell into my lap by chance. A few weeks ago I stopped at this town in Colorado for awhile, worked at a bar to make some money. Mountain men drink a lot. Great tips though. How's school? All the classes putting you to sleep or just real estate law?"

Taking a deep breath Sam blew it out dramatically, "man, this is _way_ more work than I bargained for." He scratched his belly and shifted to get comfortable. "You need money? I got a little bit saved up. I've been working as a tutor at a boy's school too. Could send you some?" Sam rolled his bottom lip into his mouth.

Dean chuckled and scrubbed his hand over his eyes. "No, I'm okay. Thanks though." A few minutes of silence followed this and Dean hummed in thought be asking quietly, "You talk to dad at all?"

"Nope." Sam answered quickly. "So what was the job? The hunt ... you were on..." Sam was _so_ not going to waste another breath on their Dad.

Letting it slide, Dean once more chuckled low and soft in the back of the throat, "A pretty standard haunting in an old farm house. Old man whose wife had an affair with a farm hand, then they, the wife and farm hand, threw him in a combine. So his spirit was haunting the farm, killed a couple boys... I learned the story at that bar I was working in. So I decided to help out. Gonna go see the sand dunes next I think..." Dean hummed. "Giant mounds of sand, sounds stimulating."

"Sand dunes." Sam frowned. "Dean?"

"They're in Colorado, I'll send you a post card," Dean let out a slow groan as he stretched his legs down the mattress. "I should let you get back to napping on your text book."

"Dean ... wait, what are you doing? Why... why all the driving and ... " Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, "you gonna come see me soon? You said..." They'd said a lot of things and Sam had no clue how much of it was true.

"I gotta figure some things out Sam," Dean said softly and let his eyes drift closed. "There's... _something_... and I need to figure it out. But I'll come see you. Soon. You just gotta give me a little time."

"It's just," Sam's voice was a little rough, but screw it, Dean knew he got _over_ emotional about _everything_. "This is the longest we've been apart since I was ..." he thought about it, "since ever."

Dean swallowed hard a few times and sighed once more. It felt like all he did recently was sigh. "I know. It's hard. I miss you."

"Yeah well... " Sam closed his eyes, "you know where I am."

"I do and I'll see you soon," Dean whispered and cleared his throat. "I'll talk to you later Sam. Love you."

"Bye." Sam shut his phone off and threw it on the floor. "I love you too asshole," he muttered.

Sam's fingers curled round the edge of the postcard as he stared hard at the image. He took another bite of his sandwich and wiped a smear of peanut butter off his cheek. Sand. He wasn't sure what the point was of driving somewhere to stare at that much sand but then ... this _was_ Dean.

After another rather messy bite of his sandwich Sam picked up his phone and hit Dean's number.

"I just stopped at this diner in the middle of nowhere," Dean said by way of an answer, slight smile on his lips, fingers curling along the steering wheel, "and the waitress said I had the brightest pair of eyes she'd ever seen. Then again, it doesn't look they've had a customer in a few days so she was probably desperate."

Dean _did_ have the brightest pair of eyes Sam had ever seen. "She was desperate," he said around his mouthful of sandwich. "S'thanksgiving soon." Sam munched into the phone.

"It is," Dean agreed and sipped from his coke. "You doing anything special?"

"You missed Canadian thanksgiving so you owe me," Sam swallowed his sandwich, "it was in October - so really you should come for U.S. Thanksgiving. You know. So I have someone to drink beer with."

"You're not even legal," Dean mused with a chuckle. He fell into silence for a few minutes before sighing, "I'll try to swing by. Will you be at your dorm for the day? So I can find you if I make it that way?"

"You will?" Sam sat up, a smile instantly warming his face. "Yeah, absolutely. Dude! That's... awesome." Sam grinned and scratched at the back of his head.

Dean coughed slightly and turned the radio up, "I said I'd try. That's all I can promise."

"Oh." Sam fiddled with the cord for his lamp. "You don't have to - I ... I could go somewhere with Jess. Her family is gonna be staying in town." Sam went from happy to pissed in a few seconds. It was just like Dean to give himself an exit clause.

"Jess?" Dean asked curiously, the smile from his face falling away slightly.

"Friend. So where you going next?" Sam was through giving Dean any more updates on his life. If he wanted to know how things were he could damn well get in the car and come visit.

Dean let the radio fill the stretch of silence until his soft answer, "I wish I knew." He sighed heavily and shifted in his seat. "Sorry Sam. I know I piss you off more often than not. Guess it's just me. I hope things are going well for you."

"You know you don't have to call," Sam blurted out. Even as the words left his mouth his chest ached a little.

"You called me," Dean pointed out. "You probably don't believe it but I miss you."

Great, now Sam felt stupid as well as pissed. "Yeah, whatever man. Listen, I gotta study." He sighed.

"Okay..." Dean said softly, "Love you."

"Bye." Sam smacked his hand against his phone and threw it across the room. It bounced into the wall and skittered across the floor. If he'd broken it, _that_ was Dean's fault too.

Brow furrowed Sam chewed on his little finger as he read the postcard. Texas? A guy and his boyfriend were cute? He blinked a few times and tossed the postcard on his desk. He was starting to think he didn't know much about Dean at all. Taking his cell from the desk he flopped down on his stomach on his bed. _Three missed calls._ He sighed and called his voice mail.

"Hey Sam, it's me. Look... it was really shitty of me not to come see you on thanksgiving... I... it just wasn't something I could do. I know, that's no excuse. And I'm fucking awful. I hope you can forgive me. I understand if you don't wanna talk to me for awhile. Still love you though. Bye."

"Hey Sam, it's uh... me again. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, I have that uh... text message thing? So you could send me a text if you want, to let me know. That you're okay. I'd appreciate it. Thanks. Love you."

"I wish I had an answer to make things better Sam but I don't. I can't give you a logical reason. I'm _sorry_. You're not the only one having to deal with shit Sam. You have no idea what it's like for me now. I... just... never mind. Forget it. I'm sorry. Call me. If you want. Bye... still love you even if you don't call. Turning into me jerk."

Sam pushed a few buttons and deleted the messages then flipped his phone from hand to hand for a few minutes. He swore softly under his breath and started a text message.

 _ **Sammy** : Ur rt ive no idea. U dont talk. I'm fine. had a gr8 time at thanksgiving. Dont worry bout it._

He stared at his phone for a few moments wondering how long it would take Dean to figure out how to send a text message. As pissed as he was that brought a smile to his face. He could almost imagine Dean sitting there stabbing at the buttons and swearing.

 _ **Dean** : good. still will though. call me?_

 _ **Sammy** : no thanks - take care - dont get killed or anything_

 _ **Dean** : k. sorry._

Shaking his head Sam read the letter through a second time then pressed it flat on his desk. Picking up his phone he started a text message as he walked over to the bed.

 _ **Sammy** : not disappointed just miss U. wish U'd talk 2 me. tell me wht's wrong_

 _ **Dean** : miss you too. what's not wrong? hatethis thing_

Sighing heavily Sam punched Dean's number on speed dial and listened to it ring.

"Do you think dogs really do go to heaven?" Dean answered, flopping back on the mattress and staring up at the white swirls on the ceiling.

"Random much?" Sam shook his head.

"I was just thinking about that. There's a whole bunch of random dogs in this town and they don't belong to anyone but they'll run up to you and beg for food. I saw one lying on the side of the road so I pulled over... it got hit or something. I don't know. But I buried him. Felt appropriate," Dean shrugged and pressed his phone harder into his ear.

"Dean are you okay?" Sam picked at the sticker he'd put on his law book. Dean was _actually_ starting to worry him which was saying something because Dean had been pretty far from normal their whole lives.

"Sometimes I don't know..." Dean fell into silence, listening to his brother breathe across the line for awhile. "No. I don't think I am," he whispered after awhile.

Sam's fingers stilled, "do you need me? I can be there... _fuck_ wherever you are... in less than a day probably?" Sam stood, pacing over to his window and looking outside. "I'll come..." his voice was soft even though his heart was pounding suddenly.

"Need you?" Dean asked quietly and blew a quiet breath out into the phone. "You should stay in school Sammy," he added and straightened up on the bed, pulling up a pack of cigarettes, freeing one from the pack and lighting in with a long inhale. "I don't think anyone can fix me," he said quietly with the exhale.

Momentarily distracted Sam was puzzled by the sound, "are you _smoking_?" Awesome. Now he'd have to worry about his brother getting lung cancer _before_ some sort of supernatural creature ate his ass. "What the fuck Dean? Women and beer weren't enough?"

Dean chuckled and flicked ash into the ashtray on the nightstand. "I gave up women and beer. This was an alternative. But I've only just started and I don't like it much. I keep thinking there has to be something that will fill the void you know?"

"How about eating well? Exercise? Go out and get laid? Better yet Dean - why don't you try having a _healthy_ relationship with someone? Settle down - nice girl - nurse or something." Sam's mind was whirling.

"Hmm," Dean hummed in a non-committal way. "Don't think settling down is in my blood. Not with a nice girl at least. Nothing healthy about forcing a relationship that could never measure up."

"Could never measure up to what?" Sam padded back over to his bed and flopped down.

"I'm still trying to figure that out," Dean murmured and stabbed the cigarette out in the ashtray. "How's school? Making friends? Dating that one girl?"

Sam sighed, but he knew when Dean wasn't going to tell him more. "Jess? I guess, kinda." He could feel his cheeks flush.

Dean fell into his growing typical silence for several beats too many. "That's good Sam. I'm happy for you. What's she like?"

"Like?" Sam cleared his throat, "I dunno ... nice... I guess. We haven’t been doing too much talking ... so far." Scrubbing his free hand across his face Sam groaned, "dude, let's not talking about my sex life."

"Sex life?" Dean repeated slowly and sighed, flopping back on his mattress. "I should go. Glad things are working out though."

"Don't _do_ that!" Sam blurted out, "I'm your brother Dean, talk to me... " he sighed and spoke softly when he could speak again, "please - what's wrong? You're killin' me here." His fingers curled into the quilt.

"I couldn't even begin to put into words Sam," Dean said softly and curled his fingers tighter around the device pressed to his ear. "I... miss you. Stop worrying about me, I'm fine. Or I will be. Just takes time you know?"

"Why time away from me?" Sam tried to keep the hurt out of his voice but _God_ \- Dean had always been there for him, always part of his life and now... "did I do something wrong? I can fix it ... if you let me."

"You can't fix this Sam, I think I'm beyond that point," Dean sighed shakily and molded down into the bed. "I think you'd be better off without me around."

"Well, I don't. Does it matter what I want?" He rolled over on his bed and pulled his pillow up close to his chest. "My whole life.. you've..." there was a lump in his throat and he was getting a headache. Sighing Sam squeezed his eyes shut, "well, I hope you find whatever it is you.. need to."

Dean's eyes squeezed tight at the pain in Sam's voice. "I don't think I will," he whispered and curled onto his side. "I'll talk to you later Sam."

"Dean?" Sam's voice was thick.

Dean's heart lurched slightly and he blew out another quiet breath, "Yes?"

Sam took a few breaths to try and settle himself. "I ... need to see you ... soon? Okay? I really miss you."

"As soon as I can Sam," Dean whispered and clung to his phone. "Love you. Bye."

That right there Sam figured was his answer. He wasn't going to see Dean for a long time. Rubbing at his eyes he rolled over and buried his face in his pillow

The post card sent a stabbing feeling through Sam's chest and he let his hand fall to his side moving up the stairs quickly so he could get to his room. What made him who he was? Crazy. He toed off his boots and tossed his backpack against the closet, kicked out his desk chair and sank down into it. They'd had a messed up childhood, no doubt about it. Their Dad ... well, Sam didn't even want to get started thinking about John Winchester and his epic fail of a relationship with his sons.

Leaning forward Sam pinned the postcard up to his bulletin board.

Most of what Sam could remember learning he'd learned from Dean. Really, Dean had been the only consistent thing in Sam's life, well, until recently. Now, Sam wasn't so sure if he was ever going to see his brother again.

Tucking his hand into his jacket pocket Sam pulled out his phone and started a text.

 _ **Sammy** : you made me who I am. _

Sam hit send then tossed his phone back on the desk and picked up a text book. _God_ it was cold in his room.


	2. Chapter 2

There were some things that Sam could take and some things he couldn't. He ran his finger over the words Dean had written like somehow he could magically figure out if the ink was smudged by tears or water. Scratching at the back of his neck nervously Sam picked up his phone and hit Dean's number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"Hey ... Dean - it's me. I guess you know that." Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back in his chair. "Dean, I'm really fuckin' worried about you and stop telling me not to 'cause, Dude, really? I ... what about talking to someone? A counsellor or something? I ... I know you won't let me help you." Sam cleared his throat and spun his pencil on the desk. "I would though - I mean - you can come here... or I could meet you somewhere. Maybe you and I could go camping - ok that's a dumb idea cause it's winter. Dean.." Sam's voice softened, "please, I miss you so much it hu... I miss you. Okay - I'd better go. love you." Sam pushed end on his phone.

-=-=-=-=-

Just like every day after class the first thing Sam did was check phone as he was walking across campus. No calls, of course. He could find the speed dial for Dean without even looking at his phone now. He sometimes put it into the phone ten or twelve times a night only to hit end before the phone dialed. This time he hit send.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"The silent treatment huh?" Sam laughed nervously, "I miss hearing your stupid voice. New semester's started, it's crazy hard and spring break is just around the corner. Don't guess you wanna see me. I mean, it's okay. Could you maybe text me or something Dean?" Sam hiked his laptop bag up higher on his shoulder. "I just need ... " Sam looked around and lowered his voice, "I need to know if you're okay, Dean. I ... man, I can't sleep at night - I mean if something happened to you how would I know?" Sam's voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "Okay... so please just text me something, anything. Let me know you're okay."

He ran his thumb over the end button and stuff the phone back in his pocket and headed home. The wind seemed colder now, harsher and he tugged his scarf tighter around his neck.

 _ **Dean:** am okay. sorry. Ill call soon. promise._

The chime of Sam's phone startled him and he yanked it out of his pocket so fast he almost dropped it. Relief washed over him when he read his brother's text. Smiling for the first time in days Sam slipped the phone back in his jacket and moved quickly through the cold air.

-=-=-=-=-

It had to be around two or three when Dean found himself clutching the phone to his ear, listening to it ring and trying to fight back the hard, shaky sobs curling through his body. It was too late to call his brother, he shouldn't have, and Dean almost hung up but the line clicked on and Sam's gruff, sleep laced voice echoed through the device. The sob that caught in his throat was loud and effectively prevented him from saying anything in greeting.

Sam hadn't even bothered opening his eyes when he'd slapped the phone against the side of his head but the sound of the sob shot them open _for_ him. "Hello?" He pushed up on his elbow, glanced at the number on the phone and moved it back to his ear. "Dean? Are you okay?"

Jess rolled over to face Sam and frowned up at him "you okay baby?"

Brushing her hair back off her forehead Sam nodded and held the phone away from his mouth slightly. "It's my brother, I'll just..." he looked around, "I'll go back to my room go to sleep." He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her lips and slid out of the bed. He could still hear noises on the other end of the phone. "Dean? Are you there?" He padded to the door of Jess' room and hurried down the hallway toward his own room.

The tears streamed down his cheeks even harder than before and he gasped around the pain. "S-sam," he choked on the word and clutched a pillow to his chest. He was right when he thought he shouldn't have called Sam. Sam was with his girlfriend and Dean was a shit brother.

Hand fumbling with his keys Sam started to panic. "Dean, are you okay? Jesus... Dean... what's wrong?" He finally managed to get the key in the lock and opened his door so he could dart inside.

"I-I..." Dean fumbled for words but coughed around another harsh sob instead. "Sho-shouldn't have called," he gasped sharply. "S-sorry. Gotta go." Dean sucked in a quick breath and tried to listen to Sam's breathing over the harsh staccato of his own.

"No," Sam's voice was frantic, "please no - Dean... _don't_ keep shutting me out." Sam's heart was racing as he tried to listen for Dean on the other end of the phone. "You don't even have to talk if you don't want to - just don't - don't hang up, Dean. I'm ... you're scaring me. Just listen if you want ... to me... okay?" His voice was wavering a little and he backed up slowly until he bumped into his bed and sat down hard. "Dean?"

"Yes," Dean whispered, pulling in quick lung fulls of air to ebb off the shaky pain in his chest. "Sorry Sam. Didn't mean to scare you," he attempted to recover some of his dignity, to make his voice sound once again cool and unaffected. Dean knew it had to sound more weak and vulnerable.

"It's cold here," Sam was actually shivering so he kicked his way under his covers and snuggled down in the bed. "I was thinking today. Do you remember that day when that freakin' crow took my hat after school? I was so upset - thought Dad was gonna be pissed at me 'cause I lost it." Sam was still shivering but he was starting to warm up the sheets around him. "I dunno why I thought of that today." He listened for a while, comforted by the small sounds his brother was making.

Dean tightened the sheet around his body and whispered softly, "I remember. I let you stay up late and watch the Exorcist with me."

"That's right," Sam laughed softly, " _damn_ I still hate that movie. Gives me the creeps. Is it cold there? Wherever you are?" He shifted the phone to the other ear. "I hate not knowing where you are. Makes me feel all weird."

"Rhode Island. And yes, it's cold," Dean murmured and sucked in a quick breath. "I took you away from your girlfriend. Sorry. I shouldn't..." he sighed softly and rolled on the bed.

"S'okay," Sam said quickly, "I never mind talkin' to you. I miss talkin' to you. Dunno if you miss hearing all my stupid shit but ... it sure is great to hear your voice. You think maybe," Sam swallowed, "you wanna tell me what's happening?" His eyes moved around his dark room, from his jeans, to Jess' sweater, the binder he'd knocked on the floor earlier.

"I... can't," Dean whispered and pulled in on himself once more. "Sam... do you ever just... think about us? How different we were than everyone else?"

Laughing softly Sam nestled his cheek against his pillow, "every single time I talk to someone else about _their_ life? 'Course I do. Jess says she's surprised I turned out the way I did. But really? I think I'm more messed up inside than people know. I'm just good at hiding it - kind of like you." He huffed out a breath. "You staying in Rhode Island for a while?"

Dean swallowed around the swell of emotions. "I don't think so. I should go. Thanks for... well yeah. Sorry for keeping you up."

"Dean ... don't go." Sam's voice was more desperate than he meant for it to be but he didn't know how much more of this he could take before he just got in a damn car and tried to find his brother.

"I can't take anymore right now," Dean's voice felt small and tight in his throat. "I'll call again later okay? During the day." He slipped his fingers along the phone, trying to gain the strength to be the first to hang up.

"Can't take anymore what? _God_ please _tell_ me Dean. What am I doing wrong?" Sam's eyes were wide, tears prickling at them and he swallowed a few times compulsively. What the _hell_ had he done to Dean?

"Nothing Sam. It's not you. It's... I'm fucked up. I can't explain it," Dean gasped around the fresh start of tears. "Trust me. It's better not to know. I miss you Sammy, I really do. I'm sorry I... sorry."

"Dean..." Sam pushed up so he was sitting in the dark, eyes straining to make out the shapes around him. "I can't... I cant' keep doing this, listening to you falling apart and reading ... I'm scared shitless and you won't talk to me or let me... _Fuck_ ," he yelled. His hands were shaking so bad he could barely hold the phone.

Dean started slightly and flinched away from the phone, when he returned it his voice shook, "Okay. I won't... well I just mailed out a postcard today but you can just ignore that one. It won't be like that anymore. I'm sorry. I didn't mean too... I'll just..." Dean swallowed a few times before mumbling, "bye Sam. I just... just... bye."

Cringing, Sam lowered his voice, "I'm sorry ... I'm sorry, Dean, please don't go," he pressed hard on his eyes. "Please, Dean..."

"I..." Dean wet his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. "Sam..." Dean whispered and curled his arms tighter around the pillow on his chest. He fell into silence once more, listening to his brother's breaths on the line. "I shouldn't make you feel this way. It's horrible of me."

"I only feel ... when I ... Dean, man, I _need_ to see you. I don't think you understand." He flopped back on the bed again, relieved a little for the moment that Dean was still on the phone. "I don't know how to make you... understand." Sam pulled his knees up and tried to curl up. It was so much harder now than when he was a kid.

Dean sighed and pressed the phone harder into his ear, "I understand Sam. But I need a little more time. I know that's not what you want to hear. Trust me, I'd give anything to have you be this pillow in my arms so I could-" Dean cut off abruptly, swallowing hard.

Sam chuckled quietly, "could use a hug," he murmured. "I'm _so_ tired, Dean." It was so much better to hear Dean's voice, just like when he was a kid and scared by something. Dean was always there.

"Tell me about it," Dean mumbled, already feeling his body giving in to sleep. "Can't even remember the last time I slept a full night."

Yawning Sam felt himself relaxing a little, "promise you'll call me soon?" His voice was soft, sleepy.

"Yeah," Dean whispered, feeling a little better that his brother didn't sound so wrecked. "Night Sam."

"Love you Dean," Sam yawned again, "night." His finger clicked the phone off and he held it in his hand as he fell asleep.  


With shaking hands Sam pinned the new postcard to his bulletin board. Picking up his phone he started a text message.

 _ **Sammy:** I would notice if you were gone. I notice now. Want to see you. When you can. I understand._

Placing his phone gently on the desk Sam stood there staring at it.

 _ **Dean:** sorry. that was the one already sent. soon._

Snatching up his phone Sam read the message and smiled.  


Only as few as five states between them if he looked at the map the right way. Sam didn't want to get his hopes up but maybe Dean might even head toward California. He got Dean's number on the screen and pushed send.

"Yesterday," Dean said by way of greeting, "I sat on this hill and stared up at the clouds for like, three hours."

"See anything good?" Sam was sure that Dean could hear the smile in his voice.

Dean hummed thoughtfully and rolled his shoulders, "Well for awhile I thought I saw shapes but I realized the longer you stare at them, the harder it is to see anything. Except I started feeling really small and it was kind of fucking with my brain."

"You ever wonder what it would be like to fly? I've never been on a plane. I'd like to do that... " Sam leaned his elbow on his desk, "see the clouds there. You still in Kentucky?"

"No," Dean chuckled and dropped back on his mattress. "I have no intention of ever stepping on a plane. It's one thing to face death head on when you have a weapon at your control but to be in some giant machine..." Dean shook his head roughly. "And um... I'm in Mississippi."

"Is it hot?" Sam picked up his pencil and started doodling on his notebook. "I'm gettin' all soft... can't stand the cold anymore. It's California." _Four_ states. Sam smiled.

Dean laughed and glanced toward the window, "It's been raining for the past twenty four hours at least. But it's not horrible. How are things?"

"Not too bad, studying lots." Sam shrugged then realized that Dean couldn't see him. "I'm... I dunno, been thinking I need a break from here or something. It's pretty hard work." Sometimes Sam wondered if he'd made the right choice at all by going to law school. There were a lot of things that he was good at. Sometimes, he even wondered if he could make something, build something - be a carpenter or something like that.

"Getting closer to summer, thought about what you're gonna do?" Dean asked quietly, adding a moment later, "You and your girl got some plans?"

"Yeah... that..." Sam pursed his lips and looked up at the ceiling. He wasn't entirely sure this was the right place to get into a big conversation about Jess. "We're not seeing... well, we're ... we split. S'okay though. I'm good." He added the last bit too quickly and frowned at himself. "Hey - you near the ocean?"

Dean hesitated for a few moments before deciding to let Sam have his conversation change. "No. I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere," he chuckled softly and rolled away from the rain pouring down in buckets along the window. "Hey I quit smoking."

"That's awesome man! I'm glad." Sam grinned and pushed up to stand and stretch his back out. "I've been sitting too long, my back aches. Seriously," he paced around the room, "that's ... I'm really glad you quit."

"It didn't fill that void either," Dean mused and coughed slightly, sitting up for a long drink of water. "I should go. Long distance fees and all. Gotta figure out which card I can pay this bill with. They shut the phone off last week, I nearly died," Dean chuckled softly, wiping the water along his lips with the back of his hand.

Laughing, Sam stopped pacing and jammed his free hand in his pocket, "okay, take care Dean. It was good to hear your voice."

"Yours too. Love you Sam," Dean whispered.

"Bye," Sam punched the end button.  


Sam tossed the letter on his desk and grabbed his coffee pot to pour himself another cup. He picked up the letter again while he was stirring the sugar into the steaming brew. Sam probably picked up, read, and put down the letter at least five times before he was finished drinking his coffee.

He picked up his cell phone and started a text message.

 _ **Sammy:** You're a great brother. don't be stupid._

Sam hit send and tapped his phone against his chin for a few mometns before starting another one.

 _ **Sammy:** Who's the guy that you'd like to kiss?_

It's not like Sam would know who it was but that was the only question he could come up with that he thought would get him a reasonable reply. Sam could care less if Dean was gay, straight or whatever as long as he was happy.

 _ **Dean:** im an awful brother with awesome tendencies._

Grinning, Sam brushed his hair back off his face. He hadn't expected an answer to the other question but, whatever, at least Dean knew he was okay with it. Sam lay down on his bed and propped himself up on his pillows then started another text.

 _ **Sammy:** Where you at now?_

 _ **Dean:** Seattle. Great views. whens school done?_

Scratching his belly Sam grinned. _Seattle_. That was the closest Dean had been in a really long time. His thumbs moved quickly on the keypad of his phone.

 _ **Sammy:** Next week, Wed is my last exam. Gotta be out of here by Sun for summer._

He hit send and stared at his phone, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

 _ **Dean:** where you going? can i have your new address?_

Smile fading a little Sam reached out for the paper he'd jotted down his new address on and plugged it into his phone.

 _ **Sammy:** #201 1151 pandora ave. about 4 blocks off campus. crappy but mine._

Pushing the paper back across his desk Sam tilted his head and looked at the map he pinned up on his bulletin board. Why did it feel like his brother was a million miles away?

 _ **Dean:** got roommates? job? gonna pass all your classes?_

Sam huffed, always checking up on the school thing.

 _ **Sammy:** no roomate. need to be alone. passing everything. don't worry._

 _ **Dean:** i get the alone thing. gotta get to work. call soon._

Frowning, Sam blinked. "Huh..." Work. Maybe Dean wasn't heading anywhere. Tossing his phone on his desk Sam pushed up and grabbed his jacket. Maybe beers with Derek wasn't such a bad idea after all.  


If Sam wasn't so hung over he probably would have enjoyed reading the post card a lot more. He'd done far more drinking than studying for the last week of college. But who cared? He didn't. Except for the whole hangover thing. And the fact that he wasn't entirely sure what he and Derek had ... done ... the other night. Shaking his head Sam tapped a couple of advil into his hand and swallowed them down with some soda.

Groaning he snatched his phone off the desk and fell face down on his bed. He stabbed at the phone until it started ringing.

"I have this theory that every person has a part of them that's better left hidden," Dean answered, voice quiet and thoughtful.

Coughing, Sam covered the phone then pulled his hand away. "I love when people know things about me, makes me feel less ... alone." He groaned again, as he rolled over on to his back, spread out like a starfish on the bed.

"What's the matter? You sound like shit," Dean frowned and pushed up from the bed he'd been laying on.

"Hung over," Sam took in a deep breath, " _and_ I think Derek gave me his cold. Dude ... hangover's suck." Sam reached out for the nightstand for his water bottle and rolled onto his side to drink some.

"Derek?" Dean asked curiously, fingers curling tightly around the phone pressed against his ear.

"What?" Sam put the bottle back on the nightstand, "yeah, my friend Derek. He's legal," Sam laughed, deep and throaty because of his lack of sleep. "My way to get beer." He grinned and closed his eyes.

"Well suppose you need someone like that around," Dean said softly, blowing out a low breath. "So why'd ya call if you're hung over? My magical voice suppose to cure the pain?"

"Can't remember. If now's a bad time," Sam shifted on the bed.

"No," Dean insisted and slowly let himself fall back onto the bed. "I was just considering the designs on the ceiling. It's important business but I suppose I can wait to finish it later. Good to hear from you."

"What work you doing?"

"Huh?" Dean asked in confusion and thought for a few minutes before chuckling, "Oh in Seattle you mean? No I'm not there anymore. I got a temp job as a bar tender to restock my money supply. Can only handle the pool and dart hustling for so long by myself. But uh... no I'm not in Seattle anymore."

"Where are you now? Dessert or mountains?" Sam chuckled.

Dean grinned and scratched absently at his stomach, "plains. Flat, flat plains. Kansas." His chuckle trailed off slightly, sighing a moment later, "Lawrence."

"Oh." Sam's mood took a downward turn. "I thought ... " he stared up at his ceiling, "what you doing there?"

"It's this void thing," Dean muttered and shook his head slowly from side to side. "I get it you know? But I think I keep trying _not_ to. And well, thought this place was the only place we ever could call home. I was wrong."

"It's not my home," Sam grunted.

"Yeah I know. It's not mine either," Dean sighed and fell into his more comfortable silence. For awhile he listened to his brother breath across the line and when the stretch of time seemed to extend past longer than usual, he asked quietly, "still awake?"

"Yup, just thinkin'." All this time he'd slept in this room and he'd never noticed the crack in his ceiling before. Weird. "I'm gonna be moving tomorrow, Derek's comin' over early so you might not be able to get hold of me for a few days. Might be busy." He closed his eyes for a few moments. "He's probably gonna stay with me for a few days till he gets a place of his own." Sam listened carefully.

Dean's throat clenched slightly and his eyes slid closed, body working to control the sudden unease race of his heart. "Oh. Okay. That's... is he... um... okay..." Dean stopped himself from asking something he didn't want to know the answer too anyway. "Should let you rest up then."

"Was good to talk to you. Stay in touch." Sam hit end and let his arm fall to the bed. _God_ he was exhausted.  


Tossing the postcard on his kitchen counter Sam looked around for a free alphabet magnet. There was a "D" so he used that to put the postcard on his fridge then pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to his brother.

 _ **Sammy:** u can tell me anything. u know that. never lose me._

Sam started to run through the most amusing of possibilities that leapt to mind. Dean was really a woman, that's why he'd been gone so long. He'd crashed the Impala. Nah, Sam would have heard that in his voice. He wasn't feeling terribly creative, Derek had kept him up _way_ too late the night before. Sam was going to have to send him home sooner at night if he had a hope of keeping his job.

 _ **Dean:** Not this_

Rolling his eyes Sam clicked away on his phone.

 _ **Sammy:** Okay - then don't tell me. Does that mean I'll never get to see you cause that's stupid._

Sam hit send.

 _ **Dean:** sure you can find someone better anyway_

"For fuck sake," Sam muttered as he hit reply.

 _ **Sammy:** Not gonna play games. I love you. Tell me what you need too. Miss you._

"There," Sam sat down on his bed and looked around. It was a small place but he liked it and it was really nice to have his own stove. He'd kind of been hoping that Dean would visit and they could hang on, put up some stupid posters, watch some bad movies.

 _ **Dean:** Yeah sam me too. therein lies the problem._

Sam scratched the side of his nose.

 _ **Sammy:** If you miss me asshat, come visit!!!_

He sniffed his armpit and realized how bad he smelled. It was a dumb idea not to shower right after he worked out because now he just felt like sleeping.

 _ **Dean:** you dont get it. soon._

"Soon?" Sam's voice seemed loud in the mostly empty room.

 _ **Sammy:** whatever dude. get all cryptic on my ass. Love you. phone soon? kay?_

Shaking his head Sam tossed his phone on the bed and wandered off to the bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was actually enjoying his job which was a bit of a surprise to him. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy being busy he just hadn't expected to have quite as much fun as he was. He'd lucked into it by accident - he'd been at the public library applying for a new card and found out that they were looking for someone to teach computer classes. Sam only taught the basics; social networking sites, digital cameras, how to use email things like that. He liked it and the woman who worked at the Library nearly always sent Sam home with some kind of food that someone had baked. Sam liked the food thing a lot.

As he walked past the fridge his eyes moved over the postcards and he thought back to when he'd last heard of Dean. It had been a while. Picking his phone up off the counter Sam his Dean's speed dial number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"Dean, it's me. You haven't called in a while so this is me pretending not to worry about you. Did I tell you about my job? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm working at the Library teaching people how to use the internet and stuff. It's a lot of fun - more than I thought actually and I get fed there. Think the women like me - I'm like the _only_ guy working there right now. It's kind of weird having my own place," Sam wandered over to his bed and sat down on the edge, "actually miss the noise of all the people in the dorm. Derek's here quite a lot thought. We... well, he's..." Sam rubbed at his forehead. 'I'm gonna go now, gotta shower. Call me." He ended the call and stared at his phone.

-=-=-=-=-

Sam thought there was something oddly familiar about lying drunk across his bed and poking his finger at the buttons on his phone trying to dial Dean's number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

" _You_ , brother are _ignoring_ me and," Sam took a swig of beer, "it's starting to piss me off. I mean, come on, it's been," Sam thought about it for a few moments, "Okay - so maybe I don't know exactly how long it's been but it's been too long. Steve got me drunk tonight 'cause I was mad at Derek." Sam lowered the phone for a few moments to drink some more beer. "Now, I would _never_ tell you this if I was sober. Which I'm not - did I mention that? Derek and I were like, fooling around a bit, nothing major... but then he got all freaked out about it and didn't want to do it anymore. You'll be proud of me - I acted like a complete and utter girl and got all pissy with him for ditching me." Sam huffed, "dumb huh? Anyway, that's why Jess and I split - did I ever tell you?" Sam mumbled something incoherent, "and she didn't get the whole thing about me liking guys too. Now - I've got no one - not even you." He sighed and slammed his empty bottle down on the night stand. "M'going to bed. Love you."

Sam was out before he even let go of the phone.

-=-=-=-=-

It was two days before Sam got up the courage to call Dean. He knew he'd called Dean, _drunk dialed_ his own brother. Awesome. He wasn't entirely sure what he said, he remembered bits and pieces of it but he was pretty drunk. Clearly, Sam needed to lay off the beer a little.

He'd been holding his phone for about twenty minutes by the time he worked up the courage to actually dial his brother's number.

 **_This is Dean, I'm not around. Leave a message and I'll get back to you._ **

"I know, I know, I'm an idiot. Don't drunk dial. Good thing cell phones have a call log, yeah? So, I'm sorry, I was pretty pissed off that night but I'm sure I might have mentioned that. Did I... mention that? Things are good at work. Dean..." Sam leaned his forehead against the cool window and looked out over the street, "will you call me soon? Or text me? Drive by my place and honk? Something?" He sighed and closed his eyes. "I _really_ miss you. A lot. Okay. Bye."

Sam hit end on his phone and stared out the window.

 _ **Dean:** miss you2. sorry. soon i promise._

Never in his life had Sam been more glad he was sitting down. He wasn't sure what he'd expected Dean to come up with but he was pretty sure it wasn't this. _In that way that no person should ever want their brother._ Sam shook his head and sat down hard on his bed. Then he did what he always did when things confused the hell out of him. Snatching his phone up off the bed he pushed the speed dial for Dean.

"Hello?" Dean answered quietly, body tense, curled together on his motel bed.

Sam took a few deep breaths, holding the phone close to his face. "Hi." What the hell was he supposed to say? He hadn't actually thought this through very well. Reaching out he picked up the photo on his nightstand; a snapshot of him and Dean from when they were kids.

Dean listened to Sam breathing for awhile, waiting for something more. When nothing came he whispered, "I miss you."

Rubbing a hand down his face Sam closed his eyes and listened to Dean's voice. "Why didn't you tell me all this time?" His breath hitched and he rolled over on to his side.

"Not the easiest thing to admit too," Dean rolled his shoulders and sighed softly. "I thought I might get over it after while. I was wrong."

"When..." Sam blew out a breath, "when are you going to come and see me?" When? A year, a whole year he'd been waiting to see his brother and now he had to deal with this.

Dean wet his lips and sighed softly, "You still want me too?"

"We should..." Sam picked at the quilt on his bed, "we should talk about this in person. So we can ... see each others faces and stuff." His eyes started to sting and he realized he hadn't blinked in a while, "I ... so when?" He felt like he was going to either pass out of throw up and he wasn't sure which was a better alternative.

"Tomorrow," Dean whispered. "I can be there early afternoon. I mean... if you don't have plans. Or if you're not working."

As the words settled into his brain, Sam's stomach did a bizarre flopping thing like he was racing down one of the hills on a roller coaster. "Tomorrow? Wh..where are you?"

"Nevada," Dean wet his lips and listened to Sam's breathing for a few moments before swallowing. "I could probably be there late tonight but it would be really late. So... you know it's... thanks Sam. For not..." Dean sighed again and trailed off.

"Then be here tonight. I'll be here." Sam flicked his phone off and held it to his forehead. Closing his eyes he tried to figure out what was going to happen now. There was a part of him that wondered if Dean would even show up. A year. _A year_.

-=-=-=-=-

It was almost midnight by the time Dean pulled up in front of Sam's apartment building. By the time he motivated himself enough to walk up the steps to Sam's front door it was after midnight and Dean clung to the postcard in his hand and the strap of the bag hooked over his shoulder. His mind spun in time with the race of his heart and he swallowed hard a few times before raising his fist and tapping his fist hard on the wooden surface. Dean sucked in a breath and held it, waiting to finally lay eyes on his brother again after so long.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Sam leaned forward resting his arms on his thighs, head hanging down. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there but his back ached like a bastard. "Come in, it's open." He'd been staring at the floor for so long he was pretty sure he'd memorized the grain in the wood.

Dean didn't know if this was a good sign or not. It didn't feel like one. His hand griped around the door handle, hard and tense for a few moments before he turned it slowly and pushed the door open. His eyes flickered over the small entry way, almost too nervous to let his gaze land on his brother. He was a little worried his whole self might just explode upon finally seeing him again. Dean swallowed hard a few more times, eyes fixed on the floor beneath his boots as he shut the door and shuffled uneasily just inside the entry way. "Hi," he whispered, pulling in a deep breath and looked up, eyes scanning across the floor before grazing over Sam. He sucked in a quick lung full of air and took a shaky step forward.

Looking up was one of the hardest things that Sam had ever done. His eyes moved along the floor to Dean's familiar boots, up the leg of his jeans, his chest, when he saw his brother's eyes Sam launched himself off the bed and closed the distance between them in three huge steps so he could throw his arms around Dean's neck.

Blowing out the breath Dean had been holding, he let the bag slid from his shoulder in favor of wrapping his arms tight around his brother's chest, burying his head into Sam's neck and pulling in his scent. "Sam," he whispered and tightened his hold, stepping in to pull in as much of Sam's comfortable familiarity as he could.

"I missed you asshole." Sam's voice was tight with emotion, "should punch you..." he forced out a small, strained laugh. _God_ , it was so bizarre to be so mad at someone and so glad to see them all at the same time. Sam didn't even know what to do. Curling his fingers around the back of Dean's neck, Sam squeezed his fingers for a moment then stepped back. "You look good," he said, nervous, folding his arms across his chest.

"I look like shit," Dean shrugged, fully aware that his skin was too pasty in comparison to the healthy tan glowing along Sam's cheeks. His throat worked hard for a few minutes to bite back unnecessary words as his eyes slid along Sam's face. Finally Dean realized he had to look a little creepy, like he was trying to drink Sam in with his eyes, so he looked down at the post card still clutched in his fingers and held it up, "I uh... figured you wouldn't mind. That I didn't mail..." he shrugged and offered it to his brother, eyes lifting slightly to gauge Sam's reaction.

Tapping the postcard against his palm Sam read it through a few times. "Yeah, well..." Sam moved over to his fridge and opened the door. "You want a beer?" It was crazy, _he_ was crazy. A year without Dean and all he could think about was the letter... the words Dean had written.

Dean wet his lips and slowly shook his head, picking up his duffel bag once more and curling his fingers around the straps. "I uh... was serious. When I said I gave up alcohol. For awhile at least. So I'm... can I have a coke?" Dean fidgeted nervously and stepped toward the kitchen area.

Glancing back over his shoulder Sam nodded, "yeah," he grabbed a coke and held it out for Dean. "Why'd you quite drinkn'?" He knocked the fridge door shut with his hip and leaned back against the kitchen counter to pop the top off his beer. "I took up drinking." He held up the beer in Dean's direction and raised his eyebrows before taking a few big gulps.

"Made a few stupid mistakes," Dean shrugged and popped the top on his coke, sipping from it. He bit down on his lip and slid his eyes around the apartment. "I like your place. It... it's nice," he smiled tentatively at Sam before dropping his eyes and massaging the back of his neck.

"So, what does this mean? Like every time we're together are you thinking about...what are you thinking about?" Sam blinked, surprised at his own question then looked down at his beer.

"Uh..." Dean's eyes widened slightly and he coughed, staring hard down at his coke. "I'm not really... I mean I'm... jesus Sam do you really want to know? I'm not sure I can... say..." he shrugged and sipped from his coke just to have something to do.

"What do we... do now?" Sam shifted his feet nervously and took another gulp of beer. "I mean - you obviously don't want to talk about it... and," he shrugged, "I don't have a hell of a lot to work with." He turned slowly and slid his bottle on the counter staring down at it. "You... gonna stay here?"

Dean pursed his lips and sighed, "I don't know how to handle this Sam. I... I've barely even gotten to that place where I'm okay with myself. I've spent the past year basically alone. Hell, there was more than one occasion where I went more than a week without talking to a single person." Dean slid his eyes up and frowned. "Telling you took more strength then I thought I had."

"So," Sam's fingers curled under the edge of the counter, "why you here then? What's this about?" _What happens now?_ He'd never been so confused about anything before in his life. "Strength..." he murmured still unable to turn around and face Dean. "I... what do we do?"

"I'm here because I miss you and the only reason I never came before was because I didn't know if I could handle myself after seeing you," Dean's frown deepened. "I... it's not like I expect you to feel the same or anything. I just... needed you to know. But I'm okay, if you want to just... you know, pretend I didn't say anything or... make me stay somewhere else or whatever you want."

"Pretend?" Sam whipped around, eyes locking with Dean's. "Pretend?" Brushing past Dean Sam went over to the linen closet and opened it, pulling out some blankets and an extra pillow. "I think there's been enough pretending," he said softly. "I'll uh..." he waved his hand at the bed, "you can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Padding over to the couch Sam started to make it up. "You must be tired."

"I don't... sleep much," Dean murmured and stepped toward Sam. "Let me take the couch. Seriously, you're like, several inches too tall and I know you'll sleep like shit on it. So..." Dean wet his lips and reached out to lay his hand on Sam's arm. "Really, I don't mind Sam. I'll be just fine on the couch."

Looking down at Dean's fingers Sam tilted his head slightly. "Dean... I," Sam held up his other hand inches from Dean's chest for a few moments then pulled away. "I should... " He stopped halfway to the bed and spoke over his shoulder. "You got all my voice mails right?"

A slight smile turned up the corner of Dean's lips and he nodded. "Got them all saved," he patted his jean pocket where his cell phone was and dropped down onto the couch, tugging off his boots. "Did uh... things ever work out between you and Derek?" Dean kept his eyes down on his boots as he slid them along the side of the couch. "I mean, I know you said you guys got in a fight and he was your... um... yeah."

"Didn't get in a fight, he just freaked out and decided he wasn't into..." Sam waved away the rest of the sentence. "Are we... fucked up somehow? You and me? From... the way we grew up?" Sighing heavily he dropped down on the edge of his bed, fingers tangled together.

Dean leaned back on the couch and rolled his shoulders. "I spent awhile on that subject," he picked at invisible lint on his jeans and sighed, "I think it would easy to blame things on that. And yeah, we had an occasionally messed up childhood, but overall, it wasn't so bad. We had food, a place to sleep, a roof over our heads. So... maybe it's partially to blame but how can we really know right?" His eyes lifted to Sam once more and he frowned, edging toward the end of the couch as if he were about to push up and cross to Sam. He wasn't quite that strong though.

"What about you? Anyone - you're seeing? Seen." He'd missed so much of Dean's life and couldn't help feeling a little cheated by that. Dean took himself away without a second thought. It was like trying to catch up to a speeding train. "I think I'm getting pissed off... " Sam's fingers curled into his palms and he lifted both fists to his lips. "Why?" He strained to get the words out, slightly muffled by his lips.

"Seeing anyone?" Dean's eyebrows arched and he couldn't help the faint chuckle. "Uh... no. That's... no," he shook his head and sighed heavily. "Sam, I'm sorry that I've pissed you off so much about all of this but it's not like it's been a cakewalk for me. God I can't even tell you how close I was to just _ending_ it all," he gasped softly and rubbed his palm over his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Sam pushed up off the bed eyes suddenly brimming with tears, "you would have done something to yourself and left me here?" He swallowed and gasped in a breath, mouth falling wide open. There were so many things that Sam had thought about over the past year. losing Dean forever had never been one of them. "Do you have any idea what that would have done to me?" Sam's hands were shaking.

"Why do you think I didn't?" Dean's jaw clenched slightly and he turned away. "God Sam, do you even hear yourself? I'm _trying_. I just fucking told you, like I have been telling you, how utterly horrible I've been. I'm trying to explain myself here and I don't know what to do. Being here with you... it's not exactly easy on me. Could you at least give me a little break and sympathize?" He stared up at Sam with slightly wide eyes, pleading silently.

Sam's head started shaking back and forth slowly. "No." He swiped angrily at the tears on his face and turned around to crawl shakily onto his bed. "You don't get sympathy," he drew in a shaky breath, "for wanting to just take yourself away from me... forever." Swallowing around the lump in his throat he pressed the heel of his palm into his eye for a moment. "If it's not easy being here with me? Tough shit, either..." his voice broke, "let yourself out or shut up and put up with it."

Dean stared through blurry eyes down at his hands, watching the tears drop along his skin. "I shouldn't have come," he whispered and reached down for his boots. "I knew I was just gonna fuck it all up." Dean was all too familiar with the clenching ache in his chest that burned as he stepped into his boots, blinking away the fiery liquid along his eyelids.

Listening to Dean moving Sam cringed, "running away again?" He was shaking, pissed off and wanted to punch something, or break something.

"Just preparing for the inevitable," Dean sighed and worked slowly at the laces on his boots. "I never should have told you anything. And I should have come see you sooner. Basically I've succeeding in fucking up everything and I know it. Can't take it back or change it now though so..." Dean shrugged and sat back on the couch. "Guess I'm just stuck saying sorry again. And obviously that's not helping."

"You were going to kill yourself. That's what you said." Sam wiped at the snot and tears that were on his face. "How would you feel if... I told you that..." He gave up trying to sob quietly and just buried his face in his pillow.

"You stopped me," Dean pushed up from the couch and crossed the room slowly, hesitating by the bed before dropping down. "I felt so alone and miserable and all I could do was sob and try to keep myself together and... I called you." Dean hesitated for a moment before reaching out and laying his hand high on Sam's back.

Sniffing, rubbing his face on the pillow, Sam turned to face Dean, "y..yeah?" He shifted his legs forward to rest against Dean.

Dean nodded slowly and reached out to slowly run his fingers through the hair along Sam's forehead. "Remember? It was the middle of the night and..." Dean shrugged and slid his fingers back to cup Sam's neck. "You've always kept me sane. It took me too long to figure that out."

"I remember," Sam nodded and closed his eyes, his cheeks felt tight as his tears started to dry. "So, maybe," he sniffed again, "you should tell me stuff from now on. If I do that I mean." His eyes moved up Dean's arm to meet his brother's gaze. "Okay?"

"I'll try," Dean brought his fingers back to the front of Sam's face to wipe away the tears. "Sometimes I just don't know how to form the words you know?"

Shrugging, Sam tried a smile. It didn't feel too bad. "Then you just listen and I talk.. at those times I mean." _Fuck_ he was tired. "I don't have to work tomorrow, maybe we could hang out. Dean? Are you really pissed at me?" His voice wavered slightly.

"No," Dean shook his head. "I'm too happy to see you to be pissed at you." He smiled softly and slid his fingers from Sam's cheeks down to his jaw, tracing the strong curve down to his chin. His eyes trailed the motions until the tips of his fingers were brushing up along Sam's lips and his eyes widened. "Uh... sorry," Dean coughed and pulled his hand back. "I'd... like to hang out. Tomorrow. So... well... night," he nodded shakily and pushed up from the bed to head to the couch once more.

"Could you stay here?" Sam shifted back on the bed a little and pressed his hand onto the mattress in front of his chest. His heart kicked up a notch and he rolled his bottom lip into his mouth.

Dean hesitated, eyes drifting back to the couch then to the bed. "I..." he swallowed thickly, knowing he shouldn't. But Sam's voice sounded shaky and scared and Dean hated that he was partially to blame for that. "Okay," he murmured and walked slowly back to the bed, dropping on the edge and once more tugging off his boots. He shrugged out of over shirt and tossed it to the couch before laying back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling.

Scooting forward a little Sam pressed up against Dean's side. "Can you promise me something?" His voice was quiet, tired.

Pursing his lips, Dean slowly shifted to drape his arm over Sam and sigh a soft, "Possibly."

Slipping his arm over his brother's waist Sam pressed his face into Dean's shirt. "Promise if you ever feel like that... like you need to," he too a deep breath, "hurt yourself, you'll call me first." He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes; the good smell, the smell of leather and fresh air, _home_.

"Yeah, okay," he nodded and tilted his head slightly to press a kiss to the top of Sam's hair. "I promise that." He sighed softly, listening to the familiar shift of Sam's breath. Dean would always remember what it sounded like when his brother drifted off to sleep. "Love you," he whispered quietly sometime later, tugging Sam into his body a little tighter before let his own eyes fall closed.

-=-=-=-=-

Dean stood by the window, had been standing there since before the sun rose. It seemed a pretty common thing for him now, getting lost in thought so easily. He still liked the rising and setting of the sun around mountains more than the flat lands. Something about the spark of sunbeams. Dean could never put his finger on it exactly. It was better at this moment, to simply imagine this was any other motel room in any other town, if only because he wasn't really prepared for another emotional roller coaster and he couldn't imagine things being any different between him and Sam. He had too much to explain, too many questions he couldn't answer and he knew his brother wouldn't be satisfied until he had _something_ to go off of. Dean leaned heavier into the glass and sighed softly, watching the appearance of random people along the street as the morning progressed.

As soon as Sam's eyes opened they found Dean's back. His brow furrowed as he sat up and ran his hands through his hair. "You're leaving aren't you?" It was hard but he kept his voice level, steady, careful to make sure Dean felt no judgment. He never wanted Dean to think that he was trying to push him in a certain direction.

"Eventually," Dean nodded and turned to observe his brother. "It's... gonna take time until I can be..." he gestured around and chuckled. "Well, not that this is my home. This is your world. With school and work and friends. I can come visit it but I know I'll never be a part of it." he lifted his shoulder and dropped it heavily. "That's okay though. It's... good. For you to have that." Dean flinched slightly, so many months not talking to people seemed to turn him into a social retard even around the one person he felt most comfortable with.

"You're my world. This is where I live." Sam smiled sadly and looked down at his hands. He was pretty sure there was no way that he could ever let Dean know how important he was to him. All the craziness in their lives and the one consistent thing throughout it all was Dean.

Dean considered him for awhile before crossing the room slowly and dropping on the edge of the bed. "Sam... I told you... how I felt about... it's... hard. Being here and feeling those things. I mean, I've kind of come to terms with myself but you..." he shrugged and stared at the bed sheet with narrowed eyes.

"I what? Did I say something wrong again?" Sam's eyes widened as he looked up at Dean's face through his bangs. His fingers twitched for a few moments on his leg and then he curled them over Dean's arm. The only words that were going through his mind sounded hollow even to him, _don't go_.

"No, you didn't. You just... you're acting so... calm about it. And I don't know what to make of that," Dean sighed and turned his eyes to Sam's fingers on his arm. "I've kind of been hiding from these feelings for awhile, so have them out there and have you act so calm... it's... different."

"Didn't think you needed anymore drama." Sam curled his fingers tighter. "I need you in my life, Dean. I will take that however I can get it. We can get through this right? We've done tougher things. I can... do whatever you need me to do," he looked down at his hand and let go, "or whatever you need me not to do." He pulled his hand away, feeling the loss almost instantly.

Dean's heart clenched tightly and he nodded. "You're gonna have to give me time, to get the feelings under control okay?" He reached out to lay his hand on Sam's shoulder and squeeze gently. "Then I promise, we'll be just like brothers again okay? You don't have to worry about... you know... the emotional crap. I'm better now."

Turning his cheek briefly into Dean's hand Sam blew out a breath. "Can't we just be like whatever we _are_ like? What we've always been?" Sam didn't know what they were or if they'd ever fit into other people's molds but he didn't want things to change too far from what they once were.

Pulling his hand back, Dean sighed and scratched at his jeans. "I'm trying to take us back to that. What we've always been. But... god Sam I can't just be around again all the time when all I can think about is kis-" Dean cut off sharply and turned away. "I'm sorry. I'm gonna need a little more time."

"Is that what you're thinking about?" Sam shifted his leg slightly, feeling the heat of Dean's weight on the bed.

Dean pursed his lips and turned his eyes up to the ceiling. "Among other things," he nodded and rubbed a hand through his hair.

"Other things ... like where you're going next? When you're gonna leave?" Sam looked up at Dean's profile. "Do I get you here for today or are you leaving right away?" He cast his eyes around the room for some sort of sign that Dean was ready to go but then he'd never even really been here long enough to look like he hadn't just walked through the door.

"Um... no... that wasn't really the other thing," Dean chuckled and looked away once more. "I... we should hang out today. If you still want to. You could show me around, where you work and stuff. If you want," he smiled softly at Sam and reached out to slip his fingers through Sam's hair almost out of his control.

Sam's hand snapped up and grabbed Dean's wrist. He waited until Dean's eyes turned back toward him. "What would make you okay right now?" As he spoke his thumb moved over Dean's wrist slowly, gently. He would do anything to help Dean. All his brother had to do was ask. Tell him. Give him something to go on.

"I..." Dean wet his lips slowly, pulse quickening at the slide of Sam's thumb over his skin. "Sam... I don't need you to do this, now when... I know it's gonna be..." he swallowed and dipped forward slightly before shifting back once more, eyes fluttering.

Tilting his head Sam brought Dean's hand down to settle across his thigh. "It's gonna be what?" His fingers twined through Dean's. "What would it be?" Sam's heart skipped a beat or made an extra one - he wasn't sure which.

Dean had to swallow hard a few times before any words would come, "Uh..." Dean had no idea how Sam was managing to reduce him to a fumbling idiot within moments. "A k-kiss," he stumbled and wet his lips. "But I don't want you to... not if it's not genuine... you know so... its okay. Don't worry about it," Dean's fingers tightened slightly on Sam's thigh and his eyes widened a fraction of an inch.

Shifting closer Sam pulled his fingers loose and slid his arms around his brother's waist pulling himself closer to Dean's hip. "Touching you in any way would never be anything _but_ genuine." Sam smiled and rested his chin on Dean's shoulder. They'd always touched each other, more than other brothers did. Sam knew that but it didn't cross any lines and it wasn't anything that didn't make sense if he thought about it. They'd only ever had each other.

A faint smile quirked along Dean's lips and he nodded, wrapping his arm around Sam's body. "Good to know," he chuckled softly and turned his face away, blowing out a slow breath.

Wrinkling his nose Sam looked up with curious eyes. "What's wrong? Too much? Not okay? I'm an idiot?" Sam laughed nervously starting to pull away.

"No it's... it's good," Dean nodded once more. "It's just hard because... I think I'll always want more and that's a little overwhelming," he chuckled softly and tilted his head back to Sam and laid their foreheads together.

Dean's breath was sweet for some reason, familiar, Sam's hand moved to curl around his brother's neck. "You think we'll be okay? I mean ... with you taking time and all." Tilting his chin forward Sam brushed his lips across his brother's then sat back, eyes wide, fingers still cupping Dean's neck. His tongue darted out to move quickly across his lips.

"Uh..." Dean's mind was suddenly blank, lips tingling. His eyes darted between Sam's eyes to his lips and back. "M'sorry," he muttered before his hand was cupping along Sam's neck and dragging him forward, slanting his lips over Sam's. He just needed to feel it, just once, then he'd stop. And Sam's lips were warm and silky beneath his and Dean moaned softly, shifting forward to run his tongue along Sam's lower lip.

Pressing his hand gently against Dean's chest Sam pulled his mouth away and sat there staring, lips still parted, wet, eyes blinking in the early morning light. Something strange was spinning through Sam's body, heat, cool, he was shocked and comforted all at the same time. Patting Dean's chest lightly, once, he sat back, swallowed and ran his thumb along his bottom lip.

"Fuck Sam I'm sorry," Dean slid back off the bed and dragged both hand up through his hair. "I shouldn't have just..." He laughed nervously and turned back to Sam, hands dropping to his side. "Well, now that I made things awkward... can we just... go get breakfast or something?' Dean's smile fell and he turned away once more.

"Okay," rolling his shoulders Sam ran his hand over his hair and stood up quickly. "I'll just brush my teeth," he waved in the direction of the bathroom, "I'll be in there." He stared at Dean's back for a few moments, willing him to turn around and let him know that everything was okay - that he would still be there when he came back out of the bathroom. When his brother didn't turn around Sam padded over to the bathroom, sighed and closed the door behind him.

Dean's eyes slid closed, sighing shakily. _Fuck_ he was really stupid. _Really_ stupid. By the time Sam came back out of the bathroom, Dean hadn't even moved. He was a little rooted to the spot, to say the least, and he wasn't really even aware of his brother's presence. His mind kept playing that kiss over and over, lips tingling pleasantly even as his stomach churned uncomfortable in nervous anticipation.

"Hey," Sam stopped right behind his brother, hand sliding onto the small of Dean's back. The material of Dean's shirt was soft, heat from his skin seeping through to Sam's palm. "You hungry?" Sam wasn't even sure if he could eat anything with his stomach tied in knots the way it was.

Dean turned, body humming from the way Sam's arm slid along his waist. He blinked up into his brother's eyes and swallowed, "Um... no, not really. But coffee would be good." Sam was too much like a magnet and Dean couldn't help stepping into his form, hand settling on his chest. Clearly he was out of his element and if they were going to work at all, Dean was going to need to take a lot of time to stop thinking about Sam in this way. It hadn't even been twenty four hours and he couldn't keep his hands off him.

Leaning in ever-so-slightly Sam let his cheek brush along Dean's and whispered, "we should go." He breathed out slowly, closing his eyes. "Out," he turned his face in slightly until his lips were almost touching Dean's cheek. "Coffee," he murmured as his fingers reached up to curl over the edge of Dean's front pocket.

"W-we should," Dean nodded jerkily, turning slightly until his lips were close enough to Sam's to feel the small puffs of air leaving his mouth. "I... yeah. Coffee," he agreed, swallowing and wetting his lips slowly. "Y-you're gonna have to be the one to step back," he mumbled, knowing he couldn't quite muster up the energy to step away himself.

Sam's phone rang loudly from the nightstand and he stumbled back a few steps. " _Fuck_..." he laughed softly, "scared the shit out of me." He scratched at the side of his head and moved over to pick up the phone, fumbling to find the right button. "Hello..." the smile faded off his face.and his gaze drifted away from Dean's. "It's not a great time...I've got..." Sam listened for a few moments and covered his eyes with his other hand. "Okay, yeah...." Another pause as he glanced over at Dean. "Yeah - tomorrow. I'll call you." He clicked the phone off and tossed it on the bed; heart in his mouth. _Derek_. "So? Coffee?"

Dean considered the look on his brother's face and he turned away toward the door. "Yeah. Coffee," he nodded and dipped down to snatch his boots, stepping into them quickly. He really had no right to be here and dragging Sam through this craziness with him. After a moment he straightened again and shoved his hand into his pockets. "Let's go.”


	4. Chapter 4

For Sam, it felt as though hardly any time had passed at all. As soon as they were outside and Sam all but bounced over to the Impala the smile returned to his face in full force. So many good memories in that car. Dean drove them a few city blocks to one of Sam's favourite diners where Sam guaranteed the coffee would be good and strong.

Sam stretched his legs out under the table as soon as they were seated, one limb on either side of Dean's, warm eyes locked on his brother's face as he searched for changes. Dean didn't look all that different, maybe just a little older around his eyes. Older in that _mysterious_ way of someone who had seen too much. He smiled less, but Sam rationalized it was because of the things he'd told him. He _loved_ Sam.

It wasn't that Sam didn't get the full implication of what Dean's letter had meant. He just wasn't sure that it had to change all that much between them.

As far back as Sam could remember Sam had slept better with his brother's arm over him. When he was a baby - their Dad had told them - Sammy would cry and cry until Dean was finally allowed to hold him. Sam figured maybe babies were predisposed to be able to identify who loved them the most. There had never been a question in Sam's mind who loved him most.

After coffee and breakfast which they'd both decided they were hungry for once they'd arrived in the diner they decided on a walk. Sam slid straight back into what Dean called "Sammy" mode - the little brother. He talked non-stop about his classes, how things had ended with Jess, and the things that he hated about being at school. He avoided talking about Derek; their earlier phone call had unsettled him a little and he only wanted _one_ thing at a time to try and sort out. His brow furrowed when he thought about Derek wanting to _get together and talk_ and then Dean's hand was warm on Sam's hip as he guided him back toward the car and all was forgotten.

Sam was still talking as they drove back to his apartment; turned sideways on the seat, touching Dean's arm sometimes, knee pressed up against his brother's thigh. He knew Dean was going to leave soon, wasn't even sure if he would stay another night but it was important to him - this time - just being the way they'd always been together. He grabbed Dean's hand once they were out of the car and tugged him up the stairs to his apartment, kicked his boots off as soon as they were inside and heated up the oven for a frozen pizza.

"Beer? I guess not ... coke?" He grinned at Dean and grabbed two cans out of the fridge then held one out.

"Thanks," Dean smiled and took the coke, looking around the apartment before crossing to his duffel bag and pulling it out. He rifled through the contents for a few minutes, setting the coke to the side, pulling out a shoe box from the bag and setting it to the side as well before retrieving his toothbrush. "My breath tastes foul. So... I'll be right back," he dipped his head in a nod and headed toward the bathroom.

Eyes moving curiously to the shoe box Sam moved about the kitchen tidying things a little and then sliding the pizza into the oven. He leaned against the counter staring at the box wondering what on earth would actually make Dean Winchester carry around something like that. Padding over to Dean's bag with his coke he sat down cross-legged on the floor and pushed at the box with the can. It was heavy. Full of something; paper? He was sitting there staring at it when Dean came back out of the bathroom.

"Hey," Dean said softly as he crossed the room once more dropping onto the couch and tossing the toothbrush in the bag. "You wanna see what's in there?" Dean nudged the box toward Sam and reached out to curl his fingers around the lid. "I... I don't want to disclaimer them but it probably won't be the easiest thing to read."

Sam's gaze lingered on Dean's for a moment then he nodded. "If you'll sit here with me... yeah, I'd like to see what's in there." He put his coke down on the floor and watched his brother's hands. “I’ll be right back.” Sam pushed up off the couch and turned the oven off to let the pizza cool down. “Alright,” he said as soon as he was back.

"Okay..." Dean swallowed and lifted the box and his bag to the side so Sam could sit beside him. "But I warned you," he smiled softly at his brother and waited for Sam to settle in next to him before sliding the box halfway onto his lip and tossing the lid to the side, eyes fixed on the papers and unsent postcards there.

  
Sam smiled warmly, glancing up at Dean after reading the back of the postcard. "Do you remember my nightmares?" He leaned heavily against Dean's side still holding the postcard gently, almost as though it was fragile and he needed to protect it.   
"I do," Dean nodded and slid his arm around Sam's shoulder tightly. "I use to have some too, though I'm sure you didn't notice since more often than not I was waking to help calm you down," he grinned fondly at his brother and shifted a hand through his hair.   
"I'm sorry," Sam turned slightly to look at Dean's face, "I wish I'd known." Sam had a feeling there were lots of times that Dean put himself second to Sam. Maybe that's why Sam had become the person he had. Sam had grown up knowing there was someone he could trust without a doubt.   
Dean shook his head, "No, I didn't mean it... I just..." he sighed softly and leaned against Sam's body. "You helped me with my nightmares by being there too."   
Nodding, Sam picked up another postcard.

  
Sam pulled his knees up and rested his hands there holding the postcard. His chest ached a little thinking back to when he had told Dean he was leaving for school. He'd known he’d hurt his brother. How could Sam not have seen the emotion on Dean's face - the unmistakable look of someone who'd just lost something that was so important it was breaking him apart.   
"I knew." Sam's voice was shaking, quiet. "I knew when I looked at your face and I wanted to stay. I was just so..." He ran his finger along the edge of the postcard, outlining the shape, "never mind."   
Dean swallowed and let his palm flatten out on Sam's back, rubbing in small circles. "It's okay. I was never mad at you. Hurt... yeah. But not... not like dad," Dean tried for a small smile but he knew it looked more sad than anything else.   
"It made me feel better that you were so hurt." Sam had to almost force himself to admit it even though it was one of those things he'd felt guilty about almost the entire time he'd been gone. "I wanted someone else to be as hurt as I was. And .. I was pissed that you didn't take my side, say more, you know... " He glanced at Dean out of the corner of his eye. "I get it now, I know why I felt like that ... then...it was always more important what you thought. I'm babbling. _Fuck_." Sam put the postcard down beside him.   
Dean nodded slowly and withdrew his hand, resting both forearms on top of his thighs. "I didn't stick up for you because I couldn't get myself to say the words. I kept hoping you'd change your mind and stay with me," he whispered softly and curled his fingers over his knees. "I guess it's better that you went."   
"I don't know about that," Sam looked down at the postcard once more and then put it on the floor. He pulled out a piece of notepaper and flattened it across his lap.

Blinking, Sam smoothed the paper a few more times with trembling hands. "Whoa," Sam whispered.

Dean pursed his lips and locked his fingers together. "Um..." he sighed softly and scratched at his forehead. "I should have thrown that away."

Sam's throat worked hard at swallowing so he could speak, "don't taste like sugar though, do I?" He could feel the heat creeping up his neck and pulled the collar of his t-shirt out a little bit.

For a moment Dean stared wide eyed at his brother before he coughed and looked away. "I'm uh... pretty sure I didn't mean your lips," heat flared up along his face and he looked away digging the heel of his hand into his eye. "I _really_ should have thrown that away."

Huffing, Sam put the letter on the floor beside him and turned to look at Dean. "How long have you been, you know, feeling like that?" He bumped Dean's knee with his and leaned back into him again; it was like they were playing tag. Dean shifted back, away and Sam shifted closer.

"I've been completely aware of it for about a year and a half. Can't really say when I started thinking about you... _that_ way," Dean rolled his shoulders and just slightly leaned back into him. "Years though. A while. I can remember getting off-" Dean blinked a few times, eyes shooting to Sam before looking away once more and mumbling, "never mind."

Sam's fingers curled over Dean's knee, his eyes still locked onto the letter beside him. "Why was it so hard to tell me? Can't you see how much I've always loved you? I would never send you away- not for any reason." He turned back to face Dean hoping his face reflected how serious he was. _Nothing_ could have taken him from Dean. "I went to school - because I thought you _wanted_ me gone. You didn't ask me to stay." Fingers tightening on his brother's knee, Sam sighed.

"How could I ask you to stay Sam? You were getting the chance at a normal life, I couldn't take the opportunity away from you," Dean sighed and shook his head once more. "And how could I tell you I wanted you like... yeah. It just... it's _wrong_ and I would have felt like I was manipulating you because..." Dean shrugged and fell back on the couch cushion. "Well I know you'd do pretty much anything for me."

  
Shrugging, Sam tried to straighten out the wrinkles. "Don't think you can love someone too much. It's not like drinking or eating ... drugs ... it's a good thing." Sam pulled his hand back from Dean's knee. "I think that makes me lucky." The way Dean looked, it was as though he felt like he'd done something horrible.

"When it comes to this, yeah, pretty sure you can," Dean mumbled and shrugged. "Not normal love. You know I meant that right? Cause... yeah, I did," he sighed softly and pulled the box back a little. "Maybe looking at these isn't best."

"Why? Because you don't want me to tell you that it wasn't all that bad? That maybe I'm the guy I am today because of the way you loved me?" Sam turned, still holding the postcard in his hand. "Why is it so bad ... explain it to me." His eyes moved up to Dean's and he pulled the shoe box back toward him.

"Because..." Dean blinked a few times and tilted his head. "I don't know. I've kind of been searching for that answer to. It's just... brothers don't _have_ those kind of relationships right?" Dean shrugged and didn't add that he hoped Sam knew just how much he wanted _that_ type of a relationship.

"Yeah, but we're not talking about acting on it, we're talking about _loving_ someone too much," Sam looked down at Dean's hands, worn, bruised in some spots. "We're not talking about fucking someone."

Dean stared at him for a moment before nodding, "Right." He felt a little like he had no real idea what they were talking about most of the time.

"Dean, I'm trying to make you feel better about this. How has this affected me badly except for the fact that you spent the last year away from me? Is it because... " Sam sighed. Maybe he _didn't_ know what he was trying to do - maybe he was just trying to keep Dean around, make this smaller than it was. He kept his eyes on Dean's face as he reached into the shoebox.

  
He smiled when he looked at the napkin and glanced up at Dean then reached back into the box.   
  
Sam felt that strange tightening again in his chest and when he couldn't think of anything sane to say just looked up across at Dean.   
Glancing over at the postcard, Dean shrugged and scratched at his forehead. "I don't know... there's a lot of people in that city. Easy to get swept up in it all."   
  
"You went to a play?" Sam laughed, amused not only but the fact that his brother had gone to see a play but that it was the one thing he'd pulled out of the box that had shocked him the most so far.   
Dean shrugged, "Yeah it was... pretty good actually. Weird. Really weird and pretty um... _gay_ but I was bored." A small smile tugged at his lips and he reached out to touch the playbill, fingers trailing over Sam's for a moment before pulling back.   
"Gay?" Sam grinned.   
"Yes," Dean nodded and chuckled softly. "I think I might be a little..." he laughed and shook his head. "Yeah. Bi? Who knows."   
"Tell me, you been with guys? Lots of guys? Mostly girls?" Reaching behind him for his soda Sam took a sip trying to look innocent.   
Dean blinked at his brother for a moment, pursing his lips. "I've been with both. More girls than guys sure but enough guys to be aware of my taste preferences," he chuckled and shifted on the couch.   
"So, what do you like?" Sam blinked then looked down at his coke. "I like guys who are dark, strong, someone who can kinda of take over a bit. I guess, I'm a bottom. I am .. was.. with Derek but that's all I've done." He blushed, suddenly too nervous to look up at Dean.   
Jealousy surged through him but Dean was pretty accustomed to that by now. "I top. And I'm pretty sure you know what I like," he slid his eyes over to Sam and held his gaze for a moment before looking away. "So you and Derek... it's an on again, off again thing?"   
"Kind of, I guess. He called this morning..." Sam looked up briefly, "but I don't know..." he wasn't sure he wanted to be the guy who was always there at the other end of the phone. Waiting.   
"I see," Dean nodded and looked down at the box, eyes widening slightly. "I think it's better if we don't go on now. You can keep those if you want, I should hit the road anyway," he tugged the box out of Sam's reach and shifted away on the couch.   
"Wait... no... come on, we're ... this is good." Sam reached out for the box, "please?" It was too soon for Dean to leave. Sam wasn't even _close_ to being confident that his brother would ever come back. "Just a few more things?"   
Dean's heart was hammering hard in his chest and he sighed, dropping his head but holding the box out to Sam, not moving any closer.   
Tugging the box out of his brother's hands Sam settled it on his lap and pulled out the next piece of paper.

The first thing that brought Sam back to the room from the million miles away his mind had tried to go was the fact that the paper he was holding was starting to shake. "Wh..what did you do?" Sam's fingers moved over the blood on the bottom of the paper as though, somehow, it could tell him the details.

Pursing his lips, Dean sighed softly and shifted on the couch to face Sam. He considered him for a long moment before curling his fingers around them hem of his shirt, raising it up to expose the mostly healed wound on his chest. He couldn't bring himself to look at Sam so he turned his head away, feeling the burn of tears down his cheeks.

"God," Sam's blood suddenly felt thicker, slower in his veins. His fingers reached out to run down the still healing wound. Sam shook his head and looked up at Dean's face. "Dean, this... this is _so_ not okay." Sam's eyes started to sting when he saw his brother's face. "Dean?" He reached up and wiped at the tears on Dean's cheek, "look at me."

It took a surprising amount of force to turn his eyes to Sam, blinking back the tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered and dropped his shirt.

"Sorry?" Sam dropped the letter and as it fluttered to the floor he pushed up off the couch. Padding over to the counter he leaned his hands palm down on the top and dropped his head. "I did this to you. It's _because_ of me." His mouth had gone completely dry. With a trembling had he grabbed a glass off the counter and ran the tap for cold water.

Looking up, Dean's eyes widened slightly, "No Sam. It's not your fault. You didn't _do_ anything to me." He pushed up slowly and crossed the apartment too him. "You can't blame yourself for this. It was my issue. _Mine_. You hear me? Stop - don't blame yourself." He folded his arms across his chest, watching Sam's movements.

Filling the glass with water Sam drank it down in a few gulps, turned off the tap and put the glass on the counter. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have left to go to school." He turned to face Dean. "I want to come with you." Shoving his hands in his pockets he leaned back against the counter and sighed.

Dean stepped back, shaking his head slowly from side to side. "No Sam. School is what's good for you. Clearly I'm a recovering mess and I can't..." he sighed shakily and dropped his hands to the side, curling his fingers in tight fist. "You should stay here, do your school, work, get a boy- just... live a good life."

"You got two choices, you stay here until I know you're okay or you take me with you." Sam's lips pressed into a thin line. "You leave without me and I quit school and just go looking for you. This is ... is ... so many kinds of messed up, Dean. How can you let me read something like that and then... just expect me to act like there was nothing wrong?"

"If you remember correctly I didn't _want_ you to read it," Dean snapped and turned away from him, walking swiftly back to the couch. "I'm _fine_ now. This was... months ago. And I haven't been that desperate for a long time. You can't just expect me to hang around and watch you with some..." Dean cut off and bit down hard on his tongue, yanking at his duffel bag.

"So, now you're gonna lie to me too?" Sam strode back across the room, grabbing Dean's shoulder he tugged up his brother's shirt again, "when did you do this? When?" Shoving Dean hard he pushed him down onto the couch. "And while we're at it - don't you _dare_ give me grief for dating someone when you just vanished out of my life. What I did was perfectly normal."

Dean clenched his jaw, staring hard up at his brother. "I don't fucking care who you date Sam, doesn't mean I have to sit around watch it, or listen to anything," he huffed out an annoyed breath and turned his eyes away. "It was the night I called you. It was the _reason_ I called you."

"Then it wasn't _months_ ago and you lied. And what do you think I'm gonna do bring Derek over here and make out with him in front of you? Do you think I'm heartless as well as stupid?" Sam moved forward making sure he was standing right in front of Dean so he couldn't get up off the couch without physically moving Sam.

"Just knowing you're with someone else is hurt enough," Dean mumbled and curled his fingers around his knees. "Fine Sam. You win. I'll stay here until I've proved to you that I'm just _fine_. But I honestly don't think it's gonna be helpful," he scowled down at his jeans and pulled his arms tight around his body.

"I didn't say I was seeing him." Sam frowned down at Dean, not quite sure he was ready to move yet.

"But he called," Dean glanced up at Sam. "And you like him. I can see it on your face," he rolled his shoulders in a shrug and dropped his gaze once more.

"You see what on my face?" Sam's eyes widened.

Dean reached up and pushed Sam away, "Don't worry I'm not going you're just... too close right now." He pushed up from the couch and crossed to the fridge, opening the door and peering inside before retrieving a beer. This was too much for him not to drink by this point. "You have that look on your face," Dean finally answered once the top had been twisted off and he pulled from the bottle. "The same one you got when you were fifteen and Susan Mitchell's kissed you behind the school. Like you know you've just discovered something really great and you can't wait to have more of it."

"Give me the beer." Sam held out his hand.

"I can handle it Sam," Dean rolled his eyes and pulled hard a second time from the bottle.

"Give me the beer or I'll take it from you." Sam squared his shoulders.

Dean rolled his eyes harder and clenched his jaw, bringing the bottle to his lips once more.

Sam shot forward and snatched the bottle out of Dean's hand then lunged for the sink trying to pour it out.

"Hey fucker," Dean snapped and grabbed Sam around the waist, tugging him hard back and snaking his arm up to grab at the bottle. He lifted Sam practically off the floor, pulling his waist hard into his body and curving back. "I'm at least legal to drink." It was a lame comeback but Dean's mind was suddenly torn between trying to keep his control and not focus in on the fact that Sam's ass was basically pressed into his cock through thin layers of denim.

Twisting around in Dean's grip, Sam stretched his arm up as high as he could, holding the bottle just out of Dean's reach. "Asshole," he muttered, "not..." he grunted as Dean slammed him back against the counter, "drinking in _my_ house." Wrapping his arm around Dean's neck he tugged him forward and tried to pull him off balance.

Dean fell hard forward and tried to over compensate, staggering backward with Sam before spinning and stumbling slightly. Sam crashed hard into the wall, Dean pressing flat against him, gasping in slight pain as the wound on his chest slammed into Sam's body. His brother dropped the beer in the commotion but Dean couldn't think of that at the moment. He was far too aware of Sam's body hot and panting beneath his, and Dean's cock lines perfectly with Sam's. Dean's eyes widened slightly, eyes flickering to Sam's hazel eyes then down to his lips. Dean swallowed and tightened the hand that had somehow ended up on Sam's waist. "I can handle one fuckin' beer Sam," he growled and lifted his brother off the wall only to shove him back roughly.

Blinking a few times Sam grimaced, eyes moving to the beer bottle that was rolling slowly across the floor behind Dean. Lips parting slowly, Sam's shoulders dropped slowly as heat flooded through his body. Panting softly he swallowed, eyes dragging down his brother's face to his mouth. "Dean," his voice was thick, quiet and he closed his eyes. Pushing his shoulders back against the wall Sam arched his body forward into Dean's.

"Jesus," Dean caught his lower lip between his teeth and dropped his other hand to Sam's waist as well. The intensity of heat that coursed through him was enough to make his knees weak. "Sam," he growled and tugged sharply at Sam's waist to rub their hips together, dragging the rough denim against the hard pressure building in his crotch. His eyes once more scanned along Sam's face before he surged forward and attached his lips to Sam's neck, biting down hard on the flesh before sucking it between parted lips.

Slamming his hands down on Dean's shoulders, Sam moaned and would have slid down the wall if Dean didn't have hold of his waist. " _God_ , Dean..." Head falling to the side he rolled his hips into his brother's trying to ease the burning need he felt so quickly. Turning his head back again he nuzzled into Dean's hair, pulling in lung fulls of his brother's scent - that smell he'd lived his whole life with. _Dean_. Licking his lips he slid his fingers into the back of Dean's hair and grabbed hold yanking his head back until their eyes met. "Dean," he whispered.

Dean's chest rose and fell heavily, hips rolling forward into Sam's almost out of his control. "I..." he dragged his tongue across his lips and released his hold on Sam's hips slightly, fingers slipping up to whisper touches along the skin above his jeans. "Should I stop?" He asked, voice a lot less sure the than the way he'd just been touching Sam. He definitely could get used to hearing Sam say his name like that but he didn't want to ruin things between them.

"You remember when you said," Sam leaned forward enough that his lips were almost touching Dean's cheek, "my face...you saw _that_ look on my face?" Sweeping his lips slowly across his brother's cheek he pulled back just as he reached Dean's lips. "Did it _ever_ occur to you that was for you?"

Pursing his lips for a moment, Dean considered Sam silently, "I... no," he murmured and a small smile tugged up his lips. He was at little at a loss for exactly how they ended up in this situation but he definitely wasn't complaining. Swallowing once more, Dean pulled Sam into him and slanted his lips over his brother's, lips parting to slide along Sam's in slow, nervous gestures. Dean's pulse was racing in his hears and he wondered if Sam could feel his heart racing.

Every muscle in Sam's body felt weak and his knees almost buckled. His brother's kisses were so tentative, gentle; it made Sam's heart ache. Slipping down the wall slightly Sam's mouth opened, tongue slipping forward and teasing at Dean's lips inviting more. His fingers slid along the bottom of Dean's shirt, curling under the hem and slipping up along his back.

A soft moan fell from Dean's lips as he stepped forward, holding Sam's weight against the wall with a strong thigh between his legs. His fingers tightened once more on Sam's waist, tongue slipping forward as he shoved Sam roughly up the wall then dragged him forward and slid Sam's crotch up along his thigh. Dean slipped his tongue along Sam's in small circles, moaning deeper as pleasure coursed through him more intense than anything he'd ever felt.

Sam's heart was pounding as his hips rocked back and forth. Rubbing his crotch along Dean's thigh made his entire body thrum with pleasure. Gasping into the kiss Sam's tongue snaked forward, sliding along Dean's then pulling back slowly. The way Dean held him there, moved him, slammed him into the wall - _fuck_ \- he'd _known_ it would be like that. Moaning, Sam twisted in Dean's grasp riding his thigh and sucking hard on his brother's tongue.

A sharp gasp fell from Dean's lips as he broke the kiss and shoved his hands roughly up and under his brother's shirt. "Jesus Sam," Dean murmured and dropped his lips to once more bite and suck along Sam's neck. "B-bed?" He mumbled against the skin, lifting his thigh even higher to drive up into Sam's heat.

Lost for a few moments when Dean's lips were no longer locked with his, Sam opened his eyes slowly. "Y..Yeah," he whispered. The pressure from Dean's thigh sent his head snapping back against the wall with a dull thud. Hips snapping forward Sam's hand slid up his brother's neck and pushed his head closer, harder. The feel of Dean's teeth on his flesh sent ways of excitement racing over his skin.

Dean mumbled against the flesh before clamping his hands hard around Sam's waist and pulling him back away from the wall. He rocked his hips forward up into Sam's and spun him, backing them toward the bed. He didn't pull his lips from Sam's neck until he felt his brother bump into the edge of the mattress. "Sam," he panted softly and stepped back just enough to tug Sam's shirt up and over his head, throwing it to the side. "God I want you," he murmured, hands splaying across Sam's chest and dragging down.

Trembling hands moved to the bottom of Dean's shirt pulling it up and off quickly. Sam climbed up onto the bed and kneeled tugging Dean forward by his jeans. His lips moved quickly to slide along his brother's chest, hesitating before kissing a trail along the wound on his chest. Sam's breath hitched in an almost-sob and he dragged his tongue back up along the cut then nuzzled into Dean's neck, nipping gently and dying a tiny-bit as the heat of his brother's chest burned into him.

A soft gasp left Dean's lips and his eyes fluttered for a moment before he pushed Sam back on the bed, smirking as he quickly straightened himself out to lay staring up at him. He caught his lip between his teeth, smirk still curving up his mouth as his fingers drifted down to his jeans. Dean let his head tip to the side and he swallowed once before flicking the button free and dragging down the zipper. Sam's lips were kiss swollen, a splatter of bruises along his neck from Dean's rough sucking and he wet his lips in anticipation before hooking his thumbs in his jeans and boxers and pushing down until the material pooled at his feet.

Sam sucked in a deep breath at the sight of his brother's body. His hips moved in small circles on the bed as his eyes dragged down Dean's chest, past the scar - soaking in the sight of his muscles, curves, new scars and old. Sam's tongue darted out to wet his aching lips as his eyes travelled down to his brother's swollen cock. He gasped and pushed up on one elbow reaching out for his brother's hand. A smile worked its way onto Sam's lips as he tugged Dean forward.

Dean crawled happily over his brother's body, hand sliding up denim until it connected with bare skin. He tugged his other hand from Sam's and brought it to the waist line, working quickly at Sam's body. It suddenly seemed more important than anything, having Sam's naked body beneath his. In moments he was dragging down Sam's boxers and jeans, letting them drop off the edge of the bed before crawling back up his brother's body and sliding down to run their heated flesh together, moaning until his lips connected with Sam's.

Desire knocked into Sam so hard he felt like the breath was jolted right out of his body. He'd never felt like this before with anyone. Their mouths were wet, slick, in constant motion. Sam's hips snapped forward forcing a low moan past his lips. His fingers slid down his brother's sweat-damp back, massaging, gripping, nails scratching. Spreading his legs Sam's breath hitched as Dean fell between them and their cocks slid together. Something flared to life inside Sam's belly, hot and sparking.

A low growl worked its way through Dean as he rocked forward once more; savouring the way heat spiralled through his system. "S'good," he mumbled into the kiss before thrusting his tongue forward roughly, hands shifting up to card through Sam's hair. He tugged sharply, pulling his brother's head back to deepen the kiss further. His hips were in constant motion now, rocking forward steadily. He could feel Sam along nearly every inch of his body and his heart swelled to bursting, working his tongue almost desperately into Sam's mouth to convey just how important this was to him.

Whining softly into the heat of his brother's mouth Sam's lips closed around Dean's tongue, sucking long and hard, pulling him deep. It was insanely hot and the feel of Dean's body grinding against him was enough to make his heart stop. Sliding his hands down over Dean's ass Sam moaned again, digging his fingers hard into his brother's firm muscle. He lunged up into Dean's body, lips moving fast - hips rocking up off the bed desperately. Tearing his mouth away from Dean's Sam gasped in a deep breath. His hands slipped down between them as he panted, trying to catch his breath and bring himself back from the edge. "Can I?" _God_ , he wanted to touch his brother. His fingers ghosted along the heat of Dean's swollen shaft and he pulled back, waiting, eyes locked with Dean's.

"Fuck yes," Dean moaned and dropped his head to the side of Sam's neck, sucking along the flesh once more and memorizing the taste of Sam's skin. As strong fingers wrapped around him he moaned once more and instantly rocked forward into the touch, latching down on Sam's collarbone and sucking. Dean thought his heart was nearing spontaneous combustion. If they kept up at this pace he wasn't going to make it much longer but he could hardly bring himself to care, Sam was better than anything he'd ever imagined.

Sam's fingers curled easily around Dean's cock, long strokes, thumb sliding over the sensitive head. He let his head fall back onto the bed, hair clinging to his sweat damp forehead. "Dean," he murmured as sparks of pleasure shot across his shoulders. _Jesus_ , every time Dean's tongue moved against his flesh Sam's body jolted, his cock throbbed and he felt like he was trying to crawl out of his own skin just to get more. "Need you," he murmured, "want this _so_ much." His eyes fluttered closed as his hand stroked and twisted on the hard flesh throbbing in his grip.

Sucking a sharp breath Dean pulled back from his brother's body, peering down into his eyes for a long moment before wetting his lips and nodding. "Yes, god... yes," he chuckled roughly and slid off the bed in a flash, darting to his duffel bag and returning a moment later with bottle of lube. He'd just popped open the top and slicked up his fingers when his eyes lifted back up to his brothers. "I don't uh... do I need a...?" He swallowed, surprisingly nervous and shifted his knees beneath him.

Bleary eyed, Sam blinked, "a what? oh." He blushed quickly, closing his eyes and licking his lips. "I never..." he shrugged, "before...is that okay?" His voice wavered and his hands stilled on Dean's back.

Dean's eyes widened slightly and he nodded, "It's... yeah I just thought you had with..." He shrugged and a smile slowly pulled his lips up. "Trust me, it's better than okay," falling over his brother's body Dean let his lips slant over Sam's once more, kissing him slowly before pushing back up. He settled in between Sam's spread legs once more and let one hand curl loosely around Sam's cock, dragging along the flesh as the tip of his finger worked down, massaging Sam's entrance in small circles. He let his thumb graze the slit, smearing pre-come as he pushed his finger in slowly. Dean swallowed at the sight of his finger disappearing inside Sam and moaned softly. "Fuck Sam... I can't even tell you how many times I thought about doing this..." he murmured softly and slid his finger slightly forward.

Smiling, Sam panted softly as he stretched his arms high above his head and snatched up hand fulls of sheets. "Knew you..." he moaned as Dean's finger worked into his sensitive hole, "were mine." His body arched up gracefully off the bed in one fluid motion. He couldn't keep still. It was like every inch of him was crawling to be touched, aching, _fuck_. Mumbling something incoherent Sam smiled up at Dean then rolled his hips up off the bed sending his cock slipping past Dean's rough palm. "Dean... _Jesus_... _fuck_..." he collapsed back on the mattress.

Something close to an elated chuckle left Dean's lips and he drank in the sight of Sam's writhing body eagerly. "God the way you say my name," he murmured and began a gentle thrusting of his finger inside Sam's tight muscles. "Just makes me wanna take you right now." Dean felt it was a little bit of a miracle that he wasn't doing exactly that. But it seemed Sam could handle one finger just fine so he slipped his second one forward, shoving all the way in and quickening his strokes on Sam's cock. Just the knowledge that he was the first to touch this place in Sam had him moaning softly and he stretched his body out to grind his hips down into the mattress. "See what you fuckin' do to me? I want you so much it's making me crazy," he swallowed hard once more and twisted his fingers experimentally in Sam.

Dean's fingers felt so _fucking_ good Sam was pretty sure he was going to come any second. Then, Dean shifted and hit something inside Sam that felt like a fire bomb went off inside hm. Suddenly, his entire body was writhing, twisting, curling up into Dean, wanting more. _More_. Sparks of white flashed into his vision and he cried out wordlessly, hands flailing down to grab onto Dean's hair, his shoulder, anything solid. He moaned long and low, Dean's words still weaving through his thoughts. Sam's fingers curled under Dean's chin, rasping across his stubble then slipped up to ghost along his brother's beautiful lips. Soft, full, _mine_. Sam smiled even through his daze, gasping for breath as his body settled slowly back onto the bed.

Working as quickly as he could, while still ensuring to stretch the muscle, Dean slid back up to get a better angle for his wrists as it tensed. He loosened his hold on Sam's cock slightly, ghosting gentle strokes along the skin as his fingers scissored and twisted. Sam seemed to be a constant bundle of nerves beneath him and Dean once more shifted to slide his third finger inside the tight heat. He knew it would burn more and was really just looking for an excuse to taste Sam so he leaned forward, swiping the flat of his tongue along Sam's slit as his third finger slid all the way in. After a moment to consider the taste he smiled and glanced up at Sam's features, "Sweet, a little salty, but better than I imagined." He twisted his fingers in Sam and ducked down to gather more of the taste across his tongue.

Groaning, Sam let out a strangled half laugh and arched up. The burn in his ass was tugging at his awareness but Dean's hand on his cock was perfect. Breathing slowly, Sam tried to relax and felt his body accept Dean, bring him further in. Moaning softly he opened his eyes and looked down, drinking in the gorgeous way his brother looked. All flushed and damp, sweaty and hot, _Jesus_. "Dean... now... please..." Sam was so close it was killing him to try and hold back. He just wanted _more_ and was losing the ability to even know what it was he wanted.

"Fuck," Dean nodded shakily and slid up to his knees, fingers pulling out. He kept his eyes fixed on his brother as he slicked up his cock and tossed the bottle of lube to the side, as he wiped his hand clean on the sheet and slid forward. They stayed locked on Sam's face, dipping down for just a moment to make sure he was lined perfectly at his entrance before slowly guiding himself forward. "Sam..." Dean moaned the moment tight heat encased him and pulled him forward. Any moment now Dean was certain he was just going to lose it and he continued his slide forward until he was buried completely inside him, falling down slightly onto Sam's chest and huffing out a quick breath. "Oh god."

Sam groaned, drawn out of the moment only slightly but the burn. It was less like pain than he'd expected, but _God_ the feeling of being so full, so filled by _Dean_. Moment of lying there, breathing, panting through the burn and Sam's cock was swelling full and warm against his belly once more. He clenched his muscles, tentative, wanting to know what it felt like and judging by the way Dean's lips parted and the most filthy sound came out - Sam smiled. Wrapping himself around Dean, he sighed, long legs over his brother's ass, arms over Dean's back. It was hot, _Christ_ it was hot. Dean's face was sexy, perfect, "Dean," Sam's voice was barely there, "move... want you to ... " pushing up off the bed Sam's lips slid along Dean's cheek and his lips move against Dean's ear... "fuck me," he whispered.

Dean growled, low and deep, sounding like an animal even to his own ears. The heat that shot through him at Sam's words was enough to make him come right then and there and he had to blow out a long, steadying breath to keep from doing exactly that. Once he was certain he was going to hold out longer he pushed up on his hands and slid all the way out of Sam's body, driving down hard and fast. He didn't give Sam a moment to recover, simply reared back and slammed forward hard enough to shift his brother a few inches up the bed. " _Fuck_ Sam," he grunted and slapped one hand down hard on Sam's chest, pushing him roughly into the mattress as he thrust into his brother as hard and deep as he could get.

Sam cried out, shoulders pushing his body up into Dean's hand. Lifting his hand he slipped it round the back of Dean's neck, grabbing on hard, tugging, urging Dean deeper-harder-faster. Sam's free hand slipped down his body to curl round his shaft and stroke in time with Dean's thrusts. His entire body jolted with each powerful thrust of his brother's hips. Heat swirled low in Sam's belly, unwinding and trailing up along his core. "Dean," he murmured, head rolling side to side on the bed. Another powerful thrust and Dean his that spot in him again sending wave after almost unbearable wave of lust and pleasure through Sam's body. "Dean...I'm..." He cried out once more fingers falling off his shaft as it throbbed, pulsing thick white strands of come across his belly.

On many occasions Dean had tried to imagine what Sam would look like coming, this was nowhere close and so fucking good Dean came from the sight alone. That and the muscles clenching around him so hard his thighs shook. He pounded hard into Sam's body with his release, fingers curling on Sam's chest and digging in until his thrusts evened out and finally stopped all together. Dean groaned as he pulled out of Sam and collapsed beside him, arm still extended over his chest. "Jesus Sammy," he murmured and turned to bury his head in Sam's shoulder. "So fuckin' incredible," he whispered against Sam's skin, pulling in slow breaths to even out the racing of his heart.

Completely unable to move Sam just lay there trying to breath. The weight of Dean's body was the only thing holding him there, stopping him from just floating away. Summoning up what little energy he had left, Sam turned to press his lips to Dean's hair. He swallowed, his throat tight, sore from all the damn noises he'd been making, "per..fect." Lips moved back and forth softly against Dean's silky hair, Sam smiled lazily. "Can't.. leave me now..." he whispered as he flopped his arm around Dean's neck.

Dean murmured softly, unintelligibly, for a moment before looking up at his brother and smiling sleepily. "Nope. Can't," he shifted forward and brushed his lips along the closest patch of skin he could find. "Glad I came," he added a few moments later, sighing blissfully.

Groaning, Sam rolled over closer. "Can't get close enough," he whispered. His arm slid down over Dean's shoulders and he kicked his way clumsily under the quilt. He grinned against Dean's shoulder. "Glad...I don't," he yawned, "have to work tomorrow."

A warm chuckle fell from Dean's lips and he shifted the blanket over them. "Yeah... me too." The smile still played along his lips as sleep began to tug him under, "Love you Sammy," he mumbled.

"Love you..." Sam was still grinning as he fell asleep.


End file.
